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Just Say "Yes"

by Ohio State University Extension    

We can't always "just say yes," but we can have positive communication with others. It begins with saying "yes" whenever possible.

Parents have an opportunity to help their children develop self-respect, self-discipline, and problem solving skills through positive language and through focusing on the good in their children. Positive and respectful language help you and your child work together. Self-confidence is built, one word at a time, with the language of respect.

Nurture the Positive

Teachers have found that nurturing the positive in children promotes learning and good behavior. One research study revealed that the more the first grade teachers said the words "stop," "no," and "don't," the more frequently the students misbehaved. Fewer problems arose when the teachers tried a more positive approach.

Practicing positive language with others may be easier if you have been successful with positive self-talk. Can you honestly tell yourself, "I respect myself for what I am, although I'll never be perfect. How boring that would be anyhow! I have strengths which are valuable to my family and society. I listen to my own needs and take care of myself, taking responsibility for my own well-being. I remember that each day is a gift in which I may make the most of what I have, which is ..."

Practicing positive language with others also involves good listening -- listening for feelings as well as thoughts. Feelings must be acknowledged before real communication can take place.

Recognize all the positive things you can about the other person, and the pressures he or she faces. Affirmations should be sincere, appropriate, and specific. Use words to suit the person's level of understanding. Stress the strengths, rather than your judgment of the person. For example, it is better to say, "You did a good job of hanging up your clothes," than to say "Your are a good boy/girl."

Give directions in a positive way. "Keep the sand in the sandbox" tells what to do with the sand. Decide exactly what you want done before giving directions, then keep your directions as simple as possible.

When it is necessary to set limits or deal with negative behaviors, try using "I" statements. "When you... I am... I expect that..." Or "It would be helpful if..." or "It is critical that ..."

Use Positive Language

Sometimes children want something they cannot have at the moment. Instead of saying "no," say "yes, but..." giving them a specific time when it will be acceptable. This lets them know that only the timing is wrong with this particular request.

If part of the child's wish is acceptable at the moment and part isn't, say "yes" to the first part and give your parameters for the second part.

Using consequences rather than punishment is also a positive approach. Consequences can occur naturally or parents can structure them. An example of a structured consequence is denying a favorite television show because toys are not put away after several warnings. Ask yourself if your child will suffer any real harm from the consequence. If not, allowing the child to live with his own discomfort is more effective than your nagging him.

Using positive language requires practice and commitment. It means showing genuine respect and modeling -- caring even when life gets difficult. You have seen this strength in families with loving relationships.

Loving humor (not teasing), encouraging words, and the spirit of respect are what Grandma had in mind when she said, "You can catch more bees with honey." The "yes" attitude can lead your family toward more thoughtful decisions and positive growth.

Prepared by

Joyce M. Coures, C.H.E.
OSU Extension Agent
Family and Consumer Sciences
Butler County