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You and Your Aging Parents

by Ohio State University Extension    

Most of us avoid thinking about the possibility that someday one or both of our parents won't be self-sufficient. As a result, most families are unprepared to handle parents' increased dependency. Here are some ways to help you plan for the part you might play as your parents age.

Talk With Your Parents

The best approach is to talk with your parents and discuss "what ifs" before a crisis develops. For example, ask your parents what their wishes would be if they could no longer live at home. Explore options and devise alternate plans. Circumstances at the time of crisis may require flexibility. Alternate plans can provide some insurance against making unsatisfactory decisions you'll regret later.

Talking with parents about the future may not be easy, especially if you and your parents have avoided frank discussion of emotion-laden issues in the past. Look for "natural" opportunities to talk. For example, when a parent says "When I die...," listen and encourage additional discussion. Other natural times for talking may be when an older friend suffers a health crisis, enters a nursing home, or moves to the home of an adult son or daughter.

Don't discourage discussion by saying things such as "Don't be morbid," or "You'll probably outlive all of us." Such statements show an unwillingness to discuss difficult subjects. These phrases discourage open, honest talks about important topics.

Accept Your Feelings

The increasing frailty of elderly parents can become a daily reminder of their mortality (and our own mortality). We may need to adjust our perceptions of our parents. Making this change can be emotionally painful. It's not easy to accept that "My father is no longer the strong and powerful man he once was," or "My mother, who was an excellent cook, no longer desires (or remembers how) to cook." Most painful may be the realization that the parent you depended on is now increasingly dependent on you.

Talk With Others

If you can, express your feelings to someone who will listen and understand -- a friend, family member, minister, or health care professional. Sharing your emotions makes dealing with the pain easier.

Remember that your parent is likely to have similar feelings. It's difficult for most people who have been self-sufficient to accept increased dependency. Any loss of independence or control -- qualities highly valued in our society -- can be a blow to an older person's self-esteem. Most older people will fight to keep their independence as long as possible. Some will deny or mask their dependency. They'll insist they can manage very well, will refuse any offers of help, or will even attempt to control the lives of other family members.

Encourage discussions with your parents about their lifestyle changes and feelings of dependency. Sharing your feelings might help your parents express theirs. Statements such as those that follow encourage honest discussion:

"I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by all these changes, Mother. I can imagine that it's especially painful for you right now."

"Dad, I know you've always prided yourself on being very independent. I feel it's very difficult for you to ask me for any assistance now that you can't drive anymore. Is that right?"

Don't be in a big hurry to take your parent under your wing, however. As long as Mom has a mind, let her use it. As long as Dad has legs, let him push them to the limit. As long as she has ideas, let her develop them. As long as he has opinions, let him express them. As long as parents have purpose, let them be.

Build Self-Esteem

Too much loving protection can undermine an aging parent's self-esteem. Although the desire to overprotect an increasingly frail parent is natural, it's usually the last thing an older person wants or needs.

Strive for a balance in caring. Overestimating a parent's needs can be destructive to both of you. If you assume responsibility for functions that your parent can still perform -- even if only with difficulty -- you're likely to make your parent angry, depressed, or more dependent. People resent forced dependency.

Don't Make Promises

Be careful not to make promises such as "We'll never put you in a nursing home, Mom," or "You can always live with us, Dad." You may not be able to live up to such promises. What may seem like the "best" solution now may not be best five or ten years from now when your parents' health or circumstances -- or your own -- change. Unfulfilled promises often result in feelings of guilt, mistrust, and disappointment.

There is no easy or "right" solution to the problems people face concerning their aging relatives. Each situation must be treated individually, after considering the feelings, desires, and needs of everyone involved. Look at what is best for all and don't let guilt guide decision making. Involve all family members in decision making, especially your older parent. Build on family strengths, then seek help when needed.

Become Educated and Aware

Though changes in parents in their later years may dismay you, you can ease the transition by learning about life's stages. We need education to successfully negotiate later-life transitions not only for aging kin, but for ourselves. Learning about aging is truly a family affair.

Reference

You and Your Aging Parents, K. Beckham and J. Nolan, 1991.

Prepared by

Jill Eversole Nolan
District Specialist, FCS
Ohio State University Extension
Northeast District