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Growing Up With Exceptional Children

by Ohio State University Extension    

An exceptional child is different in some way from the "normal" or "average" child. The term "exceptional child" includes any child with special problems related to physical disabilities, sensory impairments, emotional disturbances, learning disabilities, and mental retardation, as well as those who have special talents, such as the gifted child. Most exceptional children require understanding, patience, special education, and related services if they are to reach their full developmental potential.

Eight-Million Strong

An estimated one out of ten children in the United States is an exceptional child, representing a total of nearly eight million children. Determining the number of exceptional children in a given category is difficult, however, for many reasons. The definitions of disabling conditions are often ambiguous; diagnosis of a condition may overlap with another condition or diagnoses may change over time; many exceptional children remain undetected; and often parents resist having their children identified as exceptional because of the stigma attached with labeling.

"Ordinary" Families

Families with children who have disabilities are just like other families in many ways. These "ordinary" families can take many forms: traditional, single-parent, multi-cultural, and blended. They are also of various socioeconomic and ethnic backgrounds. However, having a child with a disability can throw family members into a situation that may make their lives different from those of other families. The birth of an exceptional child into a family requires considerable adjustment on the part of family members. Most parents plan for and expect healthy, happy babies. When an impairment is immediately obvious, families react traumatically and progress through a grief process similar to the process followed in death and dying.

From Denial to Acceptance to Joy

A period of denial offers parents and family members additional time to become accustomed to the pain and disappointment that the changes in family expectations and lowered self-concept bring. The process continues through a period of sadness, intense anxiety, anger, and guilt. Families need to mourn for the death of the dreams and expectations they held for their child and over the loss of a healthy child. With proper help and support, most parents eventually begin to adapt and reorganize their lives, during which time they gain confidence in their abilities to care positively for the child in a rewarding way.

Acceptance is composed of a series of more positive steps. Family members become aware of the child's difference. They recognize the existence of problems they need to confront. They begin a search for the cause of the disability, a cure, and recognition of the child's limitations. This process may bring about total acceptance of the child as a valued family member.

Children also share in the anticipation and excitement of a new baby in the family and also share in the grief and pain that comes with the birth of an infant with a disability, as well as the acceptance of the child as a valued family member. Growing up in a family with an exceptional child can be a valuable experience for parents and siblings alike.

Siblings of Exceptional Children

Siblings, many times, develop a greater tolerance for individuals who are different. Because they have firsthand experience with someone who is different, they seem to be more accepting of others' differences. Often, children and adults fear people in wheelchairs or people who look or speak differently just because they have never had any experience with an individual with a disability.

Siblings also seem more aware of the harmful effects of prejudice. Again, because they have experienced for themselves the reactions of others to a brother or sister with a disability, they know the harm prejudice can inflict.

Having lived with an exceptional child, siblings often develop more understanding and compassion for others. Sharing in the continuous care of an exceptional child, especially in a loving family, may stimulate a brother or sister to go into a career of helping other people.

In families with an exceptional child, there seems to be a special sense of family closeness. Working together and sharing the responsibility for the child seems to draw the family closer together. This trait is more apparent in larger families where more people share the caring.

Families with exceptional children can do several things to encourage positive acceptance and help from siblings. They need to provide accurate information to siblings about the disabling condition and help them develop realistic expectations for the behavior of their exceptional sibling. Families can also help the children work through their feelings and emotions concerning the special child. Normal reactions, such as resentment, fear, embarrassment, and guilt, need to be acknowledged. These problems, if not acknowledged and expressed in appropriate ways, may cause long-term problems.

Parents can also help siblings become involved in the exceptional child's program and give them opportunities to develop skills to interact with the sibling with the disability. In doing this, they need to keep each child's tolerance and interest in the disability in mind. Parents also need to remember that siblings must live their own lives and not expect them to devote themselves to the child with a disability as a parent might do. Quality time alone with a parent for each sibling without a disability is also important.

References

Hammer, Tommie J. & Turner, Pauline H. (1985). Parenting in Contemporary Society. New Jersey: Prentice-Hall.

Mari, Allen A. (1983). Families of Children With Special Needs. Maryland: Aspen.

Seligman, Milton and Darling, Rosalyn Benjamin (1989). Ordinary Families, Special Children. New York: Guilford.

Prepared by

Pat Shenberger
OSU Extension Agent
Family and Consumer Sciences
Ashland County