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My Child Doesn’t Know or Care About Who I Am

by Bill Knell    

It’s always been a balancing act for a parent to try and give their child enough freedom to develop their own individuality, while still insisting on a certain amount of allegiance to the standards set by civilized people. But many parents are still questioning who they are and what societal standards should be, and that creates a very confusing environment for children to live in. In a time of political correctness gone haywire, trends rather then standards rule the day and no one seems able to break free from what seems like an endless series of gray areas when it comes to beliefs and behavior.

While it’s attractive for parents to present children with a series of differing viewpoints and let them decide for themselves where to stand on any particular issue, it isn’t very practical. Kids already get bombarded with all sides of almost any issue through the media, the internet or at school. Most children are looking to their parents for some additional clarity. If that’s lacking because a parent can’t or won’t take a stand or make up their mind about a particular matter, children will turn to other resources and simply right off their folks as flakes.

If you want your kids to care about who you are and what you believe it, start by being definitive about things that are important to you. Make up your mind about where you stand on morality, behavior and the big issues of the day. If you expect your children to adhere to certain standards of morality and behavior, be sure you are doing the same. Children often become what their parents are. Rather then shoving a series of pre-set standards down their throats, be an example by showing you’re children the positive aspects of your own behavior. But that’s just the beginning.

If you want your child to know who you are and really care about what’s important to you, then you have to attract their attention. No matter where you stand on almost anything, it’s likely that your child has already been exposed to the opposite viewpoint in the strongest possible terms. One big mistake that most parents in the 1960’s made was that they refused to make their case. They simply said things were so and expected their kids to believe it. That didn’t work then and still doesn’t today. Keeping an open line of communication between yourself and your children is the key.

There are no shortcuts to a relationship with your child. You must spend time talking with them. The art of conversation with children is a delicate balance and the older the child, the bigger the challenge. It’s hard not to preach to our kids because every parent has been where their children are. We know the pitfalls and problems they face, but most of us have forgotten about the sheer force that peer pressure and mixed emotions can bring to bare on our kids. Adolescents and teenagers have to deal with raging hormones, mixed feelings and the inborn need to gain independence from their family. This complicates things and makes conversation difficult, but not impossible.

The key to conversing with teens is to stick to your guns. Don’t waver, they hate that! They also tend to dislike stories from their parent’s past. The idea is to put what you believe into a modern context. Most will respond to what I call the ‘guilt by association’ approach. Society has rules, if you play by those rules you win. If not, you lose and lose BIG! Your child will discover who you are by what they become. You must make them understand that no one will ever care about their future more then they will. Every day is a step closer to success or failure. Each step must be carefully measured and judged. While some mistakes can be fixed, others can’t. Everyone gets their shot at rebellion. Teach your child the difference between getting a bad haircut to fit in and a full body set of tattoos. It’s the old battle of the temporary verses the permanent.

Your child will not be you, they will be an individual. But they can understand you, know what you believe in and take you with them everywhere they go if you converse with them and set a good example. Children will make decisions, for better or worse, based on input. If all they have between making a decision to drink and drive is a beer commercial to go by, it’s likely you have a potential killer on your hands that may spend the rest of their lives paying for a horrible error in judgment. But if something you said or a point you made comes to their mind, they might just back off and do the right thing.

Sometimes just showing your children that you care about them speaks volumes. Taking the time to listen and understand their concerns if a great way to communicate with your child. You don’t have to agree, just be able to listen. If you can open the lines of communication with your child, they will grow to understand who you are and what you care about more then you ever thought possible.


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