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Want A Friendly Divorce? 10 Steps You Should Take

by Corinne Mullen    

It is possible -- and desirable -- to have a friendly divorce, instead of an adversarial one. The emotional and financial benefits far outweigh any advantage from "fighting it out" in court. If children are involved, you should maintain a respectful and cordial relationship with your ex-spouse, so that your children are not harmed by bitterness between their parents. It makes sense to start that new relationship on the right basis, minimizing hostility and damage to all family members, and keeping the lines of communication open. Here are 10 steps to a friendly divorce:

1. Decide that you and your spouse want to will keep control over your divorce instead of giving it away to a judge. If you and your spouse can't agree on how to raise the children post-marriage, or how to divide your assets, you will end up having a judge make these important decisions for you. Instead of giving away your decisions to a third party, do everything you can to make these decisions between you and your spouse. If you have decided already how to divide assets, or if there are no assets, you may seek a divorce immediately on your own terms.

If there are areas where you cannot agree, it makes sense to consult a divorce mediator. A divorce mediator is a specially-trained professional. He or she is skilled in creating a situation where you and your spouse can come to agreement on difficult issues, minimizing struggle and tension.

2. Take care of your health. Divorce can drain you of precious energy at a time when you need to be clear-thinking and active. Make sure you eat properly, get enough rest, and do what you need to do to relieve stress. By taking care of your health, you will be less likely to act upon extremes of emotion, such as anger and frustration.

3. Seek common goals with your spouse. This can include a common goal of how you want the divorce to proceed, what you want for your children, how you will communicate with each other during the divorce process, and how you will negotiate differences so that there is as much harmony as possible. Set the intention of how you both want the divorce to proceed so that you can work towards the goal in a clear manner.

4. Learn to see things from your spouse's perspective. Divorces can be very rough. Often people polarize and only see things from their own point-of-view. By trying to understand your spouse's needs, it will be easier for you in negotiating a divorce settlement.

5. Have a parenting plan. Decide how the children will be raised (including parenting philosophy and style, religion, rules, and discipline), and how often the children will see each of the parents and other family members. Decide if custody of the children will be joint (which is customary, but not mandatory), or if one parent will take primary custody of the children. Determine which home will be the children's primary residence. Create a plan for how future decisions will be made regarding the children's health, education, and emotional well-being.

6. Have a complete list of your assets, including real estate and retirement accounts, and determine the value of those assets. Include in this list all items that are owned jointly and those that are owned separately. If necessary, get an appraisal to determine the current value. Think how these assets will be divided between the spouses, before attending a mediation session.

7. Have a clear understanding of your debt situation and who will be responsible for which debts. Make a list of all credit cards, loans, outstanding bills, mortgages. Indicate if the debt is in your name, your spouse's name, or joint. Consider the earning potential of you and your spouse, who will be responsible for paying each debt and when the debts should be paid.

8. List your income and expenses. First, make a list of all income sources, including work-related income, government assistance, retirement income, interest and dividend income, and income from previous spouses. It's helpful to have pay stubs and income tax records handy. Next, list your monthly expenses. Include in the list all repeated monthly expenses (such as mortgage, rent, electric, telephone, food) as well as occasional expenses (clothing, medical, dental). Also include in the list the likely expenses related to the divorce: moving fees, down-payments on a new home or rental property, furniture and other home- making expenses. It will be important for you to consider these items as an independent household. Consider the expenses of the children if they will be living with you in the list. These are important in mediating a divorce.

9. Decide on the lifestyle you both want to live after the divorce. Will you both be able to live the lifestyle that you've had during the marriage? Use your income and expense list (#8 above) to calculate each spouse's financial needs, both current and in the future (for instance, college education for the children).

10. Both spouses should attempt mediation, and resolve as much as possible with a mediator. A well-trained mediator can assist you in pursuing a "friendly divorce" and will support you in creating an atmosphere of trust and open negotiation. In addition to your mediator, if your attorney seems to want to make your divorce into a battlefield, find another attorney.

Let's face it: divorce is painful. But with proper planning and a desire to reach agreement, the you and your spouse can achieve harmony, fairness and mutual respect.

© 2004 Corinne Mullen.