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Opposites attract but similarities make love last

by Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D.    

We are often attracted to our opposite, especially when we are young or when we are unsure of ourselves. The reason is that at some unconscious level we are trying to find in another person the skills we lack. It is as if we love that person, they will somehow fill in the missing gaps in our personalities or our maturity. The problem is that you cannot grow by osmosis. You can't just absorb what the other person has taken several years to develop or what they may have been blessed with by genetics. So relationships between opposites generally fizzle out shortly, or at the worst linger for decades providing a boring, or even hostile relationship for the couple. Think about it, if you are opposites, what can you talk about?

It is actually much more work to look for a sweetheart that is a lot like yourself. This requires that you use introspection, that you go on a journey of self-exploration. Knowing yourself first makes it much easier for you to find a partner who shares your ideals and interests. To begin this process of self-exploration take out a sheet of paper and one side list your strengths and on the other list your weaknesses. Cover everything from physical to mental to spiritual.

Once you know yourself a little better, the next step is be honest and clean up those traits that are unfinished or undesirable. If you want a match that is lasting, you will want a partner who has worked on his or her own personal development and who has cleaned up her or his bad habits too.

If you think about it, this person will want the same of you. If you have been a bit irresponsible about finances, get some advice and restructure your savings and investment program.

If you have not attended to your health, clean out the fridge and buy healthier foods and start an exercise program you can live with. If your spiritual life is all in your head, do the arduous work of finding a group of like-minded seekers and join them. Our spiritual life grows best in the company of others.

If you take the time to get to know yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, and if you take the time to improve yourself and to become the person you have always wanted to be, you will be more attractive to this same kind of person. If you love art and music and historical novels, and you are healthy, vibrant and spiritually alive, you will find this same type of person attracted to you. If you love sports both as a participant and a spectator, and you love to dance, and you are developing a strong sense of responsibility to your community, wouldn't you want the same of your partner and best friend? If you love quiet evenings, long walks in the woods, and deep conversation on the meaning of life, you will be awfully lonely if you attract your opposite. So take the time up front to get to know and develop yourself before embarking on finding a sweetheart.

Remember too, that personal growth is a lifelong process and to keep love alive, two people need to be engaged in this process forever. If you get stuck along the way, use your common sense and seek out the counsel of a psychologist who specializes in relationship development and personal growth.

Copyright © 2002 Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.