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Creating a Loving Relationship - part 3

by Robert Elias Najemy    

Learning and loving are the two reasons for which we have incarnated into these bodies. When we stop learning or loving, our life is less meaningful. The purpose of life is to evolve in our wisdom, love, inner peace, selflessness and creative abilities. Getting stuck and refusing to grow is the surest way to destroy the harmony in a relationship.

The disharmony we experience in a relationship actually is a message that we have something to learn. We would do well to analyze what we need to learn and make the corresponding adjustments in our attitude toward life.

From a spiritual point of view, the other is our teacher. His or her behavior is exactly what we need at this stage of our lives to learn something about ourselves and free ourselves from some beliefs or behaviors that are keeping us back in our evolutionary process.

We will dedicate a significant part of this book toward clarifying what we need to learn from our partner’s behaviors that disturb us.

SPIRITUAL ACTIVITIES

As our spiritual growth process is the basic reason for our existence in the physical plane, it is logical that it will be an important part of any successful relationship. Spiritual activity is seriously missing from the lives of most families today.

Families could pray or chant together. They could read and discuss spiritual texts together. They could meditate in silence together. They could serve the less fortunate in society. Each home can vibrate with love and harmony. We should not, however, limit spirituality to these often-external aspects. One’s spirituality is not to be measured by how many seminars he attends, books he reads, meals he eats, or the number of hours he meditates. Our spirituality is measured by the degree our thoughts and behavior are aligned with the values of love, peace, nonviolence, selflessness and true caring for the other.

I have unfortunately throughout the years witnessed zealous spiritual aspirants who perceive their spouses, children or parents as obstacles to their spiritual growth, believing that their spirituality is dependent upon their following seminars or meditating many hours. It is true that these activities can help, but they should never be reasons to lose our love for those who might consciously or subconsciously obstruct us. Love and selflessness are always the highest forms of spirituality.

DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE OTHER AND HIS BEHAVIOR.

All aspects of our physical and emotional being are in a constant state of change. Naturally, we will like some and dislike other aspects of our partner's behavior. As we begin to see our partner as a spirit living in flesh, we begin to separate his or behavior from his or her being. Our partner is a spiritual being who always deserves love and respect, but his or her behavior can be positive or negative, constructive or destructive, useful or not useful, uniting or separating, etc.

When we distinguish between being and behavior, we can love the being even if we cannot accept the behavior. We can talk about the other’s and our behavior as something separate from our being. Thus, we can correct ourselves and each other, while at the same time maintaining a deep love on the spiritual level.

SEE THE OTHER AS YOUR TEACHER.

The partner we have at any given time is exactly what life is giving us at that moment. It is exactly what we need and deserve at that point in our life. Our partner is our lesson, our spiritual teacher, and the hand of God in our lives. Our partner is our opportunity to learn to love and forgive, to be strong and have an inner center of peace no matter what the other may or may not do.

Our partner is our opportunity to evolve emotionally and spiritually through love, sacrifice and cooperation. Our partner is our chance to see our ego more clearly and work on transforming it into a vehicle of love and creative harmony.

KEEP PROMISES

Nothing can destroy the unity and trust in a relationship more than when either fails to keep his or her word. This causes one to feel betrayed and lose trust in the other. When this happens a number of times, the relationship is seriously undermined. It would be best to be careful concerning what we promise. It is better to say, "I want to think about it" or "I will try my best," rather than "Yes, I will do that," and then not do it.

Keeping promises can have to do with anything from taking out the garbage or walking the dog to being sexually faithful.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

A relationship offers us ample opportunity to develop the qualities of patience, sacrifice, compassion, acceptance and unconditional love. Few, if any of us, have learned to love without conditions or expectations of some type. Perhaps the closest we come to this ideal is a mother’s love for her child. With some effort and good will, we can learn to continue to feel the love we have for our relationship partners in spite of their weaknesses and negative tendencies. We can learn understanding, compassion, forgiveness and love.

REACHING OUT BEYOND THE RELATIONSHIP

As we grow in spiritual awareness, our love will flow out toward the society around them. We will cease to close ourselves into a small family environment and start to identify more with the neighborhood, society, country and with humanity at large. In such cases, we will help each other to expand this circle of love toward all beings who come into our lives regardless of their age, sex, religion, nationality or beliefs.

The family unit will become a core of learning and loving together and we will then share that which we have developed in our family unit with the society around us, helping the poor, the orphans, the ill and generally those in need. Thus, the family unit becomes a center of light, love and service making the society around it a more harmonious and beautiful place to live.

DEVELOP YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIP WITH THE DIVINE.

Ultimately, our only lasting source of security and fulfillment is our relationship with God. Developing this relationship allows us to develop the inner security and inner fulfillment. With that inner security, we can afford to be more understanding toward our partner. We have less fear, and thus, we can listen more carefully to the other and respond to his or her real needs, rather than be defensive or protective of our own. When we are secure in ourselves, we can love the other unconditionally regardless of what he or she does because we are not dependent. We love the other and choose to be with him or her out of love and not out of need.

Moving on, we will discuss these and many other aspects of creating conscious love relationships in greater detail.

SUMMARY OF INNER PREPARATION

1. Clarify your Values, Needs and Life Style.

2. Learn To Love Yourself.

3. Develop Inner Security.

4. Take Responsibility for your Reality and let others have responsibility for theirs.

5. Communicate openly and honestly.

6. Learn to Express Needs and Feelings Rather than Blame.

7. Participate in Common Activities

8. Keep Learning And Growing

9. Develop Spiritual Activities

10. Distinguish Between Others and their Behavior.

11. See The Other As Your Teacher.

12. Keep Promises

13. Cultivate Unconditional Love

14. Reach out into the community

15. Develop your own Relationship With the Divine.

From the book "Relationships of Conscious Love" http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/ebooks/index.asp by Robert Elias Najemy