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12 Steps to Conscious Love - Part 4

by Robert Elias Najemy    

We can move towards a conscious love relationship by committing ourselves to consciously working towards that goal. We need to clearly understand what we kind of relationship we want to create and be willing to commit ourselves to that goal. This means choosing to work on ourselves rather than falling back into unconscious behavior patterns.

These twelve commitments free us to love our partner consciously without games and fears. Steps 1 to 8 were discussed in parts 1-3.

(The basic ideas of this section are inspired by the work of Gay and Katherine Hendricks)

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9. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO BEING SELF SUFFICIENT AND WHOLE UNTO MYSELF.

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We often mistake love with attachment, fear, need and dependency. Love comes from strength and the assurance that we will be fine with or without the other. Only then can our love be pure and free from need or fear. The moment we need something from the other, and he or she cannot give that to us, our security and love are diminished, especially if we believe that the other could and should give this to us.

When we need something from the other, we tend to change who we are in order to get what we need, perhaps playing the roles of intimidator, interrogator, victim, or aloof. These roles are the opposite of love and truth.

Only when we can be independent, can we really love unconditionally. We will be with the other because we want to be and not out of fear, loneliness or emptiness.

One part of experiencing our self-sufficiency within a relationship is to recognize our mutual needs to be alone occasionally. This is often taboo in many relationships. Some programmings that make this unthinkable are:

1. If she really loved me, she would not want to be alone or want to do something by herself or with others.

2. If I want time for myself, I am a bad partner.

3. A couple which does not do everything together is not in love.

Shakespeare has written, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." We begin to appreciate our loved one even more after a little space from him or her. It is true, however, that being apart can also be an excuse for people who are afraid of getting close to the other. It may be a form of avoidance or even revenge. Thus we must have discrimination. Too much absence may starve a relationship, and too little make suffocate it.

Some indications that we need some space might be the following:

1. Avoiding contact with our partner.

2. Avoiding eye contact.

3. Watching a lot of TV or being otherwise occupied.

4. Not paying attention to what the other is saying.

5. Being over occupied with our work or other activities.

6. Ensuring that others will be around continuously.

7. Criticizing, blaming or arguing frequently

If we find ourselves engaging frequently in these types of behavior, we may need to discuss this with our partner and see how we can both renew ourselves, so that we can be more positive and attentive when we are together. A few hours of attentive contact will give us much more pleasure than days of being together while being closed into ourselves.

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10. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO KEEPING MY AGREEMENTS WITH YOU.

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There is no surer way to lose someone’s trust than to ignore our agreements and promises. This is an absolute in any conscious love relationship. Better to avoid making agreements that we may not be able to keep. And when we have made a promise, which we see, will be difficult to manifest, better to discuss this with the other, rather than ignore it.

In cases where we observe that we are frequently delinquent on our agreements, we may want analyze what subconscious programming may be obstructing us.

a. We may fear losing our freedom.

b. We might have negative feelings towards the other.

c. We may be testing the other’s love.

d. We may have adopted the role of the bad boy or girl and are keeping up our reputation.

e. We may have needs which we are unable to admit to the other and thus make agreements, which our needs then prevent us from keeping.

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11. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO LEARNING TO COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY

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This method of communication is discussed other chapters.

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12. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO CULTIVATING MY RELATIONSHIPS WITH GOD

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Our relationship with the Divine is a tremendous source of inner security and inner strength, which will allow us to love the other without being dependent on him or her. We can take from our inner relationship with God and be in a position to give to others, without needing to receive from them. This very important aspect of self-transformation will not be discussed in this book. It is extensively presented in the books Universal Philosophy and The Art of Meditation.

All of these aspects of creating a healthy conscious love relationship will be investigated further as we proceed.

From the book "Relationships of Conscious Love"

by Robert Elias Najemy