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Menopause or Meno-positive?

by Cheryl Dougan    

I was at a fundraiser the other night for a menopause clinic. The chair of the committee, a medical doctor, advised the crowd of the reason for last summer’s unusual weather pattern. It coincided with the release of new data related to taking hormone replacement therapy. The news release was so confusing that many women, all at once, stopped taking their HRT – thus the record heat wave!

I’ll bet the invitations for the event were addressed to the women by name “and spouse”. Let’s face it, at this stage there are no “significant others”. Only a spouse afraid of losing half of his stuff would stick it out with such a moody woman!

I’ve prepared my own top ten list of the symptoms that you know you are going through menopause when:

1. Your family is planning for holidays and they’ve “forgotten” to include you.

2. You check in with the receptionist for your doctor’s appointment and she asks you for your health registration card AND your gun registry papers.

3. You’re hanging around the frozen food section, even though you’ve already found everything on your list.

4. You’ve been encouraging your adult children to move out on their own when, all of a sudden, they’ve all found a place. And your husband wants to go with them!

5. Everyone ELSE has an attitude problem.

6. Suddenly, you’re husband and everyone else agrees with EVERYTHING you say!

7. You come back from lunch and your coworkers have left Black Cohosh on your desk (sad but true!)

8. You start to cry every time you hear the opening notes of the national anthem.

9. You don’t have to leave the couch to make popcorn – you simply buy microwave popcorn, hold the bag for 3 minutes, and Voila!

And the number 10 symptom that you know you are going through menopause:

10. You tell your husband and coworkers that you are considering stopping your hormone treatment and they cry out “No…….!”

I dislike all the symptoms intensely: power surges, night sweats, upper lip sweat, and that common refrain: “is it hot in here or is it just me?” Fatigue, poor sleep (it’s okay if you nod off while reading this!) And then there’s memory loss – short term and long term. Women who have stopped having symptoms “forget” what they went through. I think this is nature’s way – like “forgetting” what it was like to have the first baby so that you will have another.

Now where was I? O yeah….another symptom is a problem with concentration. And then there is weight gain. Why is it that you forget names, appointments, where you parked the car, etc., BUT you never forget to eat!

New body and facial hair is a problem too, especially keeping up with the hair on your chin. When I was at the dentist the other day, he asked me if my lower jaw was fully frozen yet. I reached up and discovered, to my horror, that all I could feel were an army of chin hairs, standing briskly at attention!

And then there is dryness - which leads to (or doesn’t lead to!!) “sex”. What about sex? Or as I would say with my arms tightly crossed, WHAT ABOUT IT?!!!! You have to have a “dry” sense of humor to know what I am talking about! Just remember what Dr. Ruth said: “Ladies, it only takes three minutes!!”

So what do we do about menopause? We have choices. We can deny it. Another option is to treat it “naturally”. I get terribly excited when I line up at Starbucks and ask for my “decaf grande soy lattee please”. And I eat a lot of fiber. By the way, who’s noticed the increased advertising for Beano? And don’t forget to get lots of exercise – I’d suggest something non-violent like yoga rather than a lethal martial art!

Another option is to take hormone replacement therapy. After the Black Cohosh appeared on my desk, I consulted with my family doctor and my pharmacist. Don’t the drug companies know that on top of all our other body parts failing, we are also losing our eyesight? The instructions that came with my happy pills…I can’t even read them with a powerful magnifying glass, never mind my bifocals! And then there is this 4 page Facts and Comparisons sheet (small type, no white space anywhere) that my pharmacist provided. Do you think they have covered everything?!

Back to the fundraiser I attended…

The MC was a local radio personality who confided that she had been asked to record the voicemail for the new menopause clinic. This is what she reportedly recorded:

- “Hello, you have reached the menopause clinic. If you can’t make a decision, please press 1, 2, or 3.

- If you are having trouble with your memory, please press 4. If you are having trouble with your memory, please press 4. Again, if you are having trouble with your memory, please press 4.

- If you are feeling paranoid, don’t worry, we know who you are and we will call you back!!

We all have to go through menopause but we can also do our best to make it meno-positive!


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